Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
