did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
