Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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