every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize