I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
