; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
