I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
