dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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