He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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