Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
