I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
