My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
