Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
