when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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