just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
