Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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