Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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