she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
