Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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