Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i love accidental penises.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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