I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
