is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Less talking, more tequila
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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