awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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