you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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