I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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