I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
