you would pick up someone in the library
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
