Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
