I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
