see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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