meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
