So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
