First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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