I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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