You made me cry and you don't even care
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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