So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
