Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
