I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
