Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
