i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
