toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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