took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
