do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
