Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
