remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
BRING THE BAGELS
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize