Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
