We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
