um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
