I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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