i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
