Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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