When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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