I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
