Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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