i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
