Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
