well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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