Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so let's talk penis.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
