i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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