Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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