I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
