Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
