So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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