I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
