So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
