I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
