Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
