I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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