already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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