remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
