got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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