the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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