i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
