so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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